Mirrors.

I am fat. That's something that I'm newly coming to say out loud, instead of just using it to beat myself up on a regular basis. I struggle with my confidence a lot and spent a large chunk of my 'youth' dressing in baggy jeans and Tshirts, never wearing dresses or skirts and avoiding anything that might draw attention.

Over the last few years I have tried to move away from this. I try to buy clothes I like and wear them the way I want to. I try to avoid feeling like I don't deserve to wear pretty things. The biggest challenge I have encountered in this is mirrors. It may sound particularly strange, but it's so easy to catch yourself at an unflattering angle in a window, a mirror, a picture and it can ruin an entire day. I can't count the times I have left the house feeling good about myself and ended up near tears after seeing myself reflected in a particularly awful way in a window. I know I have body image issues, and I am very aware that I need to work on them but at this point I have found that avoiding looking at myself is the best option. This may sound very strange and point defeatist, but after I have checked an outfit there is no need to obsessively look to make sure it's still good. I should be able to continue with my day knowing that if it looked alright in the morning then it looks alright at night.

My current job has made this even more difficult for me. As I work with children there's a lot of running about, dancing like a fool and singing involved, however a lot of them are closer to 18 and trying to show off to each other. This often manifests itself in bullying, name calling and commenting on the appearance of the staff members. It's very hard to feel good about yourself when you spend most days sweating in a bright blue Tshirt in front of hoards of children who are looks obsessed! I struggled most in the first few weeks, since then things have become easier. I'm slowly working towards feeling better, but it's not always easy. It's crazy how awful small things can make you feel and I don't want that any more.

While in a sombre mood: This week I helped plan a trip to Cambridge for 19 Portuguese students. When looking for free things in the area I discovered that the American Military Cemetery existed. Whilst this may seem like a very strange choice of destination for children you'd have to meet them to understand. They are some of the most intelligent and interesting children I have ever encountered. The Cemetery itself is beautiful, well maintained and an excellent monument to the men who died in combat. There's an amazing feeling of peace in the place and it's exactly what's needed. It's not terribly sad, just calm and reflective.

Reflecting Pools, American Military Cemetery - Cambridge.

The gentleman taking the tours was amazing too, he chatted to the kids very easily and was an excellent guide. If you are ever able to go then it's definitely worth a visit.

So: Mirrors = Bad. Reflecting Pools = Good.